Working mom no more

How amazing life can be....in the monotony of everyday, there is so much wonderment......if you are paying attention that is! It was so easy to miss while I was working. Between a 50 hour work week, 3 kids, getting to and from all the places that needed getting to and from from, dinner, cleaning, sports, and once in a while, maybe even some sleep, it was hard to see anything other than what was next on my 'to do' list. Now, life is less chaotic. There is time to breath. To see the amazing things that happen everyday. Like Monday night, when we excused my 8 year old from the dinner table and told him to get his shower and my soon to be 2 year old threw his hands up and said 'all done, need shower too'. I still smile just remembering it. You would have to know that my soon to be 2 year old was developmentally delayed in communication. At 18 months he was communicating at an 8 month old level....I know...how can you tell right?!? well there are ways, and they did, and when I stopped working in November, my boy had made some progress, but we were still concerned. and for that Monday night request for a shower...well my friends, that is a miracle of the everyday sort (can I get some credit for the hard work that got us there too though?!?).
Moments like this are what my life is made of now. I live for them. Whether thay are with my kids or the little ones I care for. There is nothing more amazing that witnessing a little person developing. Discovering the world and reaching those milestones. I am so blessed to not have to work (and I secretly detest when people correct me and say I do work, I just work at home....as a working mom, I still did everything I do as a stay at home mommy...I just did it with way fewer hours each week, and I was so busy I didn't get to notice these amazing moments that unfolded before me). Any mommy that gets to stay home with their kids is a lucky mommy....not everybody can afford to do it, and I am so grateful to my hubby for making it possible! I am so grateful that I get to be there to applaud my children's little accomplishments...like when we were at my mom's house and my boy was pulling on the cats leg and saying 'meow'. My mom was distracted by the leg pulling, I was cheering because we had been working on 'cat' from a picture book and he remembered 'cat' and that cats said 'meow'. I mean really though...a cat has 4 legs and 9 lives...let me sacrafice that one leg for that one moment while I celebrate my son's acoomplishment! (the cat wasn't hurt...he didn't use a life or lose a leg). Its something I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't been home with my boy. Looking back on all that has changed in the months since I have stopped working, I am just overwhelmed and grateful for the life I have been given! It is not perfect...but it was never meant to be! Smiling as I move on to the next thing....soccer practice tonight (and I am loving the soccer mom life!)

And I smiled

Last night Vincey made me laugh out loud....literally. He has been at that fun age where, when he is finished with dinner, he feels the need to dump his bowl onto the floor to show that he is literally 'all done'. Apparently dinner is not done until his bowl is empty. We have worked so hard to break him of this habit & yesterday I finally succeeded.....well....sort of. As he was finishing up his meal, he decided he didn't like the bread he had to go with his pasta, so, without saying a word, he lifts his plate and dumps it onto his older brother's as he said 'here'. When half the bread fell onto the table, he used his chunky little fingers to pick each piece up and put it nicely onto his brother's plate. When every last piece was placed safely off of his own plate he lifted his now empty plate with pride as he announced 'all done'.
After dinner, hubby took the boys up to give them a bath. When he came back down, he told me that we had made the right decision by me leaving my job to stay home with the boys. It filled me with so much pride. I have secretly worried that the change in finances would take its toll on him & he would regret our decision, so hearing this was such a blessing. He then told me that the boys were upstairs putting vasaline on their lips when Vincey took the container from daddy and proceeded to put it on himself, then turned to Dom motioning with his lips for Dom to pucker up. When he did, Vincey put vasaline on his lips too. To watch our boys grow, to see Vincey reach milestones he had been so delayed on before.....for it to be such huge leaps so quickly, this is what we are doing it all for. How amazing life is. How wonderful parenthood is. I smile because I live an amazing life, but I am just a soccer mom who lives for her children (with a few moments for me in between). These boys and the things they do, they are the reason I smile & mean it!

It could have gone better.

My children make me smile. Its as simple as it gets. Now don't get this confused with me saying that every moment with my children is filled with smiles....far from it. I often use the 'mom look'. The one you use and don't have to utter a word and your children straighten up and stop doing whatever nonsense they had been embarking upon. But my children do fill me with so much joy and meaning that they give me a reason to smile everyday...

On Christmas Eve and Christmas day, my children's excitement was contagious. The beauty and magic that surrounds the whole Christmas season is multiplied in mommyhood. Helping my boys get ready for church, listening as they whisper to each other on the way home about whether that blinking light in the sky is REALLY Santa. I smiled a lot! Christmas morning was filled with more laughter and awe as I learned my 8 year old woke up an hour before anybody else, but didn't wake up his brothers, or even sneak downstairs. He stayed in his room, quietly playing his DS, patiently waiting for everybody to wake up on their own.....(at this point, I was wondering if we should do a maternity test, cuz he did NOT get his patience from me!!). As a matter of fact, not 1 of my 3 boys snuck downstairs until everybody was awake and we embarked on the journey together, as a family. Of course, craziness ensued as 2 of my 3 boys ripped open presents as fast as I was handing them to them....the 3rd boy had no interest in unwrapping whatsoever. He just wanted to play with the toys once his brothers took the paper off. It took about an hour or so to unwrap all that Santa had brought. When I asked Isaiah later that day what his favorite gift was, he said his ticket to Michigan. As a matter of fact, Santa gave us enough tickets that the whole family would be able to take a road trip to be with my family for the week. Isaiah was most excited. He misses Michigan so much....something he reminds me of everyday (quite literally). And he was going to see his Grandma for Christmas, something that he had put in his Santa wish list...for him, it couldn't get any better!
Our Michigan trip didn't go nearly like what we had wanted it to. Looking at the hurt that came to my family through that trip makes me wish Santa hadn't answered Isaiah's wish. I would rather deal with the disappointment of what we 'could' have missed out on, instead of the reality of what we experienced...while it sounds vague....I did realize, for the first time, that, as a mommy, you feel your children's sadness a thousand times deeper than they do. The hurt they feel is worse when you know it could have been avoided. Since we came home on New Year's Day, I have tried to smile and mean it, but there is a lasting sadness that comes with the reality of our experience, the wonder in knowing that it all really happened and wasn't just a terrible dream...the loneliness that comes with being the outcast...the one who is wrong by default. I have stood silent since I left. Holding in my pain and pretending like its ok. Taking refuge in the physical distance that separates me from the pain. I know everybody has their own version of the truth. In my version, I seen sides of people I didn't know existed and I am still shaking my head trying to get the image to leave me. It will be a long time before I come back to Michigan....words spoken in anger hurt, and the people who know you best know how to hurt the worst.
My children have given me a reason to smile everyday...and it is those moments I live for. As I hear their laughter, I know, our lives weren't meant to be perfect every moment....that true happiness isn't a permanent condition, but instead, is an over all feeling made from lots of little moments put together.
Thank God for the little hands that hold my heart....they will be the reason i smile and mean it.

Twas the week before Christmas

Can it be? Is it nearly here?!? Christmas! How strange it has been enjoying the season. You would think all my baking and shopping would be done & my house would be clean....lol...yeah right. Reality set in & life got busy. Now, don't get me wrong, compared to being a working mom, this is a hell of a lot less crazy....but we added several tasks to life that weren't there when I was working....for one, the boys are both in basketball. So this weekend was spent lugging the kids to and from their games (2 on Saturday, 1 on Sunday) and then sqeezing church and faith formation in between. I blinked & my weekend was gone!! I wouldn't have changed it for the world!
I did manage to watch Kung Fu Panda 2 with the boys. Of everything, that had to be my favorite moment of the entire weekend. Vincey, exhuasted & at one point, got up and said 'g'night' while heading upstairs...I really thought the lil booger was putting himself to bed. Reality set in for him with the dark hallways and empty rooms & he headed back down right away....he settled on stopping at the closet, pulling out a blanket and snuggling on mommy's lap with his lil arms slung around my neck. Dom, of course, got in on the action and scooted over, nestling himself under my arm (and under the covers too). I kissed his head and whispered 'you wanted some momma love too' he whispered back 'no momma, I'm just scared'. I pretened he had said 'yes' and kept on snuggling. I love that my boys watch TV with a blanket...it drives hubby nuts, but there are certain things you watch your children do and you smile because you just KNOW they got that from you.....and that is so me!
Today is my last really 'busy' day. I now watch 5 children in addition to my 3 (only 1 is mon-fri, 3 are 3-4 days a week & 1 is as needed and temporary) and today I have them all.....for the last time this year. I will have 1 still, for the rest of the week, but after lugging 5 kids to target (3 of the oldest were at school at the time) on an emergency diaper run the 1 doesn't even phase me...so I am taking it easy...playing with the kids (after they get up from nap) and tomorrow I will start palnning for cookie baking & present wrapping......

Merry Christmas!

And So It Will Be

With all of its Pros and Cons, it looks as though I will be resigning from my 13 year position come Monday. I have been on vacation this passed week & tried unsuccessfully to find a new care provider for my 3 amazing children. I am both anxious and excited about beginning this new chapter in life. I feel relieved to have a final decision at hand, but very nervous about calling my boss on Monday to give them the news. I have yet to tell my children....although Isaiah, with his smart self, has pretty much figured it out and has hinted at that fact with the questions he has been asking. Dominique is the one that will be excited beyond words at having mommy stay home with him....We worked this week learning different preschool concepts & I am simply amazed at how smart he really is....come to find out, I did have the most amazing babysitter ever & she has worked with him on so much, that he even properly named a hexagon (yeah...I know adults that couldn't do that!). I have to have faith that this is where I am intended to be....I mean it HAS been a silent prayer every Sunday that I better see God's intended path for me...Perhaps God finally caught on that subtle hinting isn't my strong suit & he just made it impossbile to find somebody willing to care for my boys....I mean, in this economy it should have been EASY to find somebody wanting to make an extra $25o a week caring for boys that practically watch themselves. I smile as I think about it. This last week I have smiled and laughed more than I have in a long time. I have started seeing the magic in the little moments...something I used to do so well, but have missed over the last year. Like just now, as I type, my 2 older boys commented about how I look more pretty when I have my scarf and glasses on...that it doesn't matter what the rest of my clothes look like, when I have those two things on, I am automatically more pretty....what amazing little hearts (especially since I made the scarf myself & feel like such a dork in my glasses!). Earlier this week, Dominique, Vince & I organized our play room...and as Dom and I put all the cars in the car bin and all the trains in the train bin, Vincey grabbed them all out and threw them back onto the floor.....Exasperated, I told Vincey he wasn't being very nice & he had to say sorry to Dom for making this so difficult for him...Dom, very seriously, looks at me and says 'its ok mommy...he doesn't know that word yet, and he isn't doing it on purpose, so he doesn't need to say sorry'....these moments are the ones that I live for...the ones that make being a mommy the absolute best job in the world.....the ones that make me so certain that this new path is where I am intended to travel....at least for a little while. When things get difficult or i doubt myself, which I am sure will happen at least 1 minute out of every 10, I will smile.... just until I mean it ;)

Dominique on how babies are born

'mom, did you know that fish throw up their babies?'

'fish throw up their babies? what do you mean?'

'well, you know that mommy fishes have their babies in their belly,and when the babies have to be born, they throw up and all the baby fishes go everywhere...thats how they are born'

My Dearest Vincey

Vincent Ethan was the calmest of my babies from the day he was born. He patiently waited for Grandma to get to the hospital before making his entrance into the world....I say he patiently waited because everything was ready for the pushing to begin, but we had stict instructions from Grandma that there would be no baby birthing until she arrived. Oh how I wished Grandma knew how to speed.
As I was saying, Vincey was always happy to just be. He didn't need to be entertained or a part of the action, so long as he was in the room to watch. Vince would wake up to eat at all hours of the night, and then would go straight back to sleep. There were no early morning stretches of sleep eprivation. He was an amazing littlest man, and stayed that way...until recently that is.

I was making dinner one evening & Vincey was doing everything to stay under my feet, and get on my nerves! He wanted to be held, then put down, then to take everything out of the cupboards, then to put everything into the garbage....and he wanted to do all of this while whining! He just wanted to be a fussing fool! Out of frustration, I finally asked him "Vincey, who are you and where did you put my content little man?!?" He smiled at me...the funniest little smile, and it dawned on me....my littlest man was pretneding to be 2!

Now, as I type, Vincey is running from one end of the living room to the other, screaming at the tippy top of his lungs and flinging himself on the ground. He is angry at me. I took away his outside priveleges today and he hasn't yet learned that mommy's attitutde and stubbornness is bigger! (hey, he got it from somebody right?!?). He is getting even angrier that his temper tantrum is being ignored, poor child, doesn't he realize I have done this before?!? I survived the terrible 2's twice over now.....I know that one morning, I will wake up and my child will have become human again. It seems to happen overnight, and I love when it does!! Until then, I will treasure the moments inbetween tantrums, when my Vincey cuddles next to me on the couch, with a blanket over our laps and and a book in our hands. Or when he is laying on his belly pushing trains along the floor.
Vincey has spent so much time just being content that he forgot to explore the world. Until recently, he didn't want to learn any words. He had no use for them. On his way to pretending to be 2, he has learned 'no', 'stop', 'mama', 'papa', 'uh oh', and 'no, no, no'. I suppose being the youngest boy, you have to get the necessities down first......so whether it is putting his brothers in check, or trying to tattle on them for not giving him his way, Vincey has learned the basic vocab to survive a day in his life....I am sure 'eat' will be next...that is definately a typical boy word!

My littlest man.....now that the tantrum has subsided and happiness has been found in the world of trains, I suppose I can safely persue dinner. Even in the moments of total meltdowns, there is nowhere I would rather be....
I stopped to get coffee Monday morning, and had the two littlest men with me...As the lady made my frappacino (happiness in a cup), she made small talk about how having all boys must keep my hands full. I smiled as she handed me my coffee, and I told her there was absolutely no othe way i would have it. My boys, all three of them, are amazing little men....and they are the reason I can smile through anything!!